Here’s renowned fashion designer Donatella Versace on the beach at St. Barts and doing a damn fine job of trying to make me bleed from the eyes. On that note, someone needs to tell Donatella Schindler’s List is a movie, not a fashion statement because, no joke, this woman’s only 53. Until I looked it up, I would’ve sworn her age was beef jerky.

Angelina Jolie has been advised by doctors to put down the uterus. After her last two pregnancies ended with complications, she’d be facing significant health risks with another baby. OK! Magazine reports:

“Her previous pregnancies ended with emergency caesarian secions,” an insider tells OK!. “She’s been told that, at the least, she should not get pregnant for a year after her last deliver, and it would be safer if she did not get pregnant, ever.”
The health complications this time around could pose a direct danger to the Changeling star, Dr. Larrian Gillespie, who has not treated Angie, tells OK!.
“Angelina is at risk of having a stroke or heart attack, and because she developed gestational diabetes, there is a high risk she’ll have it again, with the child being at risk for diabetes.”

In related news, Brad Pitt was seen at a local bank sulking while placing his penis in a safe deposit box. In the distance, the cackle of Jennifer Aniston’s laughter could be heard in the air. Or a pig got hit with a lawnmower. We’re looking into it.

India is abuzz with rumors that Britney Spears is dating her “Womanizer” choreographer Sandip Soparrkar, according to Associated Content:

What does Britney Spears have to say about a budding romance with the hot choreographer Sandip Soparrkar? In true celebrity fashion, she says everything and nothing all at once: “Sandip is a very handsome man.” Soparrkar himself claims they’ll only be working, but he also teases the press subtly, saying that “I am planning to do the rumba, which is the dance of love.”

The two reportedly met at a party thrown by Madonna, so for all we know, this is just an elaborate ruse to find the Temple of Doom and turn it into a Kaballah center.

SHORT ROUND: Why do I have to wear this bracelet, Dr. Jones?
INDY: Ack! I’m hallucinating about Asian boys again! *jumps out window*

Sarah Palin’s unwed teenage daughter Bristol Palin gave birth to a baby boy Saturday, according to People:

“We think it’s wonderful,” said Colleen Jones, the sister of Bristol’s grandmother Sally Heath, who confirmed the news. “The baby is fine and Bristol is doing well. Everyone is excited.”
The baby’s name is Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston and he was born at 5:30 a.m., according to Jones.

Tripp? Seriously? I don’t get why Bristol’s being subtle. She might as well name her son “Hey, mom, I smoke my face off and have unprotected sex with my redneck boyfriend every time you’re at church.” I mean, it’s Sarah Palin we’re talking about here. She’s just gonna call the kid a “Maverick” then give him a handgun to play with. “Aw, is there anything more adorable? *BAM* That dog was getting old anyway. *BAM* Hey, it’s not like I can’t remarry. *BAM* Oh, boy, I get to meet Jesus!”

Here’s photos of pop singer Katy Perry on vacation in Mexico. I really don’t know anything about her, but suddenly I feel like she’s the greatest vocal talent on Earth. Call it a hunch. Call it intuition. Call it sheer cunning, but there’s just something about this woman that says boobs. Er, talent. – - No, boobs.

Here’s photos of pop singer Katy Perry on vacation in Mexico. I really don’t know anything about her, but suddenly I feel like she’s the greatest vocal talent on Earth. Call it a hunch. Call it intuition. Call it sheer cunning, but there’s just something about this woman that says boobs. Er, talent. – - No, boobs.

- Jennifer Lopez, despite rumors to the contrary, is not getting a divorce, according to her rep. Oh, well, if her rep says so, then it must be true. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get one of these rep people to tell a child support judge I’ve been sterile my entire life. Infallible logic wins again! [E! Online]

- Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend Dallas quarterback Tony Romo collapsed in the shower after suffering a rib injury in yesterday’s game against the Eagles. At this time, I’d like to point out to Jessica Simpson that all my ribs are in working order. Just putting it out there on the off-chance she learned to read recently. Ha, who am I kidding? [ESPN]

- Chris Martin can apparently walk among us normal folks without being recognized. Seems no one knows who the Coldplay singer is despite the fact he bangs Gwyneth Paltrow. I’m failing to see the problem here. Does he want people to know he diddles a woman who’s one Pilates class away from looking from Madonna? I’d keep that on the down-low, Jim. It’s Chris? Okay, sure. [Page Six]

- Oprah Winfrey has been duped by another memoir writer. After raving over Holocaust survivor Herman Rosenblat’s novel Angel on the Fence about meeting his wife in a concentration camp, the story has been debunked and canceled by the publisher. Which is great, just great. Now who’s going to pitch my memoir Yes, Ladies, It’s That Big, Shoots Diamonds, Gives Back Rubs and Knows How to Maximize Deductions for the Tax Return You Deserve!? Sonofa…. [TMZ]

Michael Lohan has foregone taking responsibility for dropping a holiday bomb that he fathered a love child and opted to blame Samantha Ronson for writing Lindsay’s Christmas Eve blog where she lamented about her dad’s wayward wang. Page Six reports:

Michael told People.com he believes there’s a “99 percent chance” the missive was actually penned by Lindsay’s girl friend. Ronson laughed yesterday about Michael’s allegation. “Ha! That’s funny, but I don’t ghost-write My Space blogs,” the Sapphic record-spinner told Page Six. “Good thing he left that 1 percent window open so he wasn’t 100 percent wrong for once.

Wait, people ghost-write blogs? Take it away, Stephen King:

No one bothered to tell Lindsay and her lover Samantha that lesbians weren’t allowed in the pet cemetery that night. But Old Caretaker Rick Capshaw knew as he watched precariously from his kitchen window that, let’s assume, is in Maine. (Surprise, I live there!) What happened next would rattle his neighbors to their very co – Hey, is that a van? Not again. Oh noes!

The master of horror, folks.

With her breasts set to “Surprisingly exist then confuse,” Paris Hilton took her new BFF Brittany Flickinger shopping in Melbourne, Australia yesterday. So, how long do you think this whole BFF thing will last? I mean, I understand Paris is contractually obligated by MTV to be spotted everywhere with Brittany, but there’s no way this isn’t going to end in a fiery ball of herpes and accusations of white slavery. You know when the cameras are off, Brittany’s washing the Bentley and polishing silverware while living on nothing but table scraps from Tinkerbell. Sure, it’s Olive Garden, but the little bitch always eats the breadsticks. Why, God, WHY??

Tom Cruise sat down for an interview with The Sun where he revealed his plans to use Katie Holmes like some sort of baby pump. I mean, c’mon, he didn’t kill her acting career for nothing. That’d be kind of a dick move, don’t you think? Anyway, here are the ramblings of a man trying to win back your love:

On having more kids:
“I want ten children. I love kids. I feel really fortunate to have the teenagers and a two and a half-year-old. It’s a great dynamic.”

On the sixteen year age gap with Katie Holmes:
“If I’m worried about anything, it’s if she can keep up with me. I’m very active.”

On going to activities with his kids:
“I go to the children’s groups like other daddies. At first people look at me like, ‘My God, it’s him!’ and they treat me a little differently. But then they realise I’m just a father with my kids. It’s up to me to make everybody else feel okay about the fact that I’m there, and then everything just goes on.”

On discussing Scientology in interviews:
“I say, ‘That’s it, no more — go to the Scientology website’. I think I could have handled things better. I came across as arrogant and I didn’t communicate well.”

So, essentially, Tom Cruise just said Katie Holmes is out of shape because she can’t keep up with him, but it’s cool because she’s going to be pregnant soon anyway. Tom Cruise, ladies. So empowering. So dreamy. *sigh*