Here’s Paris Hilton celebrating New Year’s Eve at The Bongo Virus party in Sydney. Hold on, she’s in the future already?! Jesus, how did this happen? Aw man, she’s going to get VD all over 2009 before we even get there. Guess I better start practicing having it burn when I pee. Anyone got a lighter?

Happy New Year! I think. Goddammit, Paris…

In an effort to quash rampant divorce rumors, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have escaped to Puerto Rico for the next few days to prove their love is strong. Because being in the same place at the same time totally constitutes a healthy relationship. No, really, these two couldn’t be more convincing if they procreated on a fighter jet in front of my house. True story. E! News reports:

“They are on a holiday vacation,” says Anthony’s rep.
Two days ago, Lopez and Anthony met up with friends and family for dinner at Marmalade, a trendy, upscale restaurant in the old-town section of San Juan.
“Jennifer and Marc looked very happy, so it is hard for me to believe the rumors that their marriage is in trouble,” the eatery’s general manager, Trace Donaldson, tells E! News. “They were laughing and seemed to be having a great time.”

Okay, I get it. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have a large Latin audience who are devout Catholics. However, c’mon, these people love Ricky Martin who’s not only gay, but adopted twin babies whom the Bible says he will no doubt inject with his gayness. Yet, I guarantee his next album will go triple cayenne pepper, or whatever they use to notate musical success. [Edit: Kittens in sombreros.]

Matt Dillon was busted last night for driving 106 mph in Vermont. The posted speed limit was 65, according to the AP.

When will the universe stop crapping on this guy? First, he loses Cameron Diaz. Then his brother Kevin becomes the big star of the family. And now he gets arrested in Vermont after slathering his naked body in maple syrup. What do you mean that wasn’t in the article? You gotta read between the lines. That’s why I’m the journalist, and you’re the voice in my head.

Charles Barkley was arrested for DUI early this morning in Arizona after supposedly getting trashed with Michael Strahan and, no joke, Urkel, according to The Dirty. Suddenly, this news item went from boring to sad faster than you can say “Got any cheeeese?”

I have no respect for myself.

After dominating the Christmas box office, Jennifer Aniston is spending New Year’s Eve with the most important person in her life right now: Courteney Cox Arquette. Yup, Jen is staying in Los Cabos with the family of her old Friends co-star (OMG! They really were best friends!) while John Mayer is quarantined to a separate beach house with his brother. Whee! People reports:

While the couple appear to be staying in separate residences, their places are just a short drive away – and are connected by a private beach perfect for long walks at sunset.
Aniston is making a tradition of spending the holidays with the Arquettes, having spent a festive night out with them at Mastro’s Steakhouse in Beverly Hills on Christmas Eve.

JEN: I mean, I did have the #1 movie in America over the holiday. Do you think I should sleep with him?
COURTENEY: Eww! Eww! No. God, no.
JOHN: I’m sitting right here.
JEN: No one knows for certain if all the publicity from our “relationship” helped, right? And it’s not like we had a contract.
COURTENEY: Exactly.
JOHN: Hello?
JEN: Plus, he was hanging around that Pete Wentz kid.
JOHN: I’m a studio exec with lots of money and scripts catered to a strong female lead.
JEN: *flashes her breasts* Dammit! It’s just John.
COURTENEY: Seriously, not cool. Now help me get my pants off the ceiling fan.

While Dane Cook’s been busy stealing other people’s jokes, his own brother has been stealing from him, according to TMZ:

Darryl McCauley — who was in charge of Cook’s financial affairs since the 90s — was arrested today by the Massachusetts State Police and charged with three counts of larceny and forgery.
Authorities say in one case, Dane’s bro forged a $3 million check and deposited it in his account.

Despite the fact I’m convinced Dane Cook’s movies are made for the intent purpose of interrogating terrorists, that’s gotta suck finding out your own brother has been ripping you off. Wait. Didn’t I hire my brother to be my accountant? Oh, shit…

UPDATE: So I checked the books and all I found was a fistful of strip club receipts and a G.I. Joe. Phew. Everything’s still there.

These are pics of Prince Harry and his girlfriend Chelsy Davy vacationing on the island of Mauritius. Man, if I were in the royal family, I’d knight my own penis then chivalrously have my way with everything from Big Ben to the Queen of England. I mean, sure, Chelsy is alright, I guess. But does she tell time on top of Parliament or look like my grandmother? Then I bid you “nay.” Sir Cockerton of PantsHugely demands satisfaction! Here here!

Tony Romo asked for Jessica Simpson after collapsing in the Cowboys shower room from popped cartilage in his ribs. TMZ reports:

As if totally choking in the biggest game of the season weren’t bad enough, Tony Romo had to have Jessica “Yoko” Simpson rush to his side to help him with a little popped-out cartilage.

In Tony Romo’s defense if I thought I was dying, I’d be crying for my girlfriend’s insane cleavage too.

TONY: Oh, God, bring me Jessica. I need Jessica!
COACH: All we have is a can of Campbell’s Chunky Soup with two water balloons taped to it.
TONY: That’ll work.

Eva Longoria Parker hates cheaters and has no qualms about going private eye on their asses, according to NY Daily News:

If she discovered a pal’s man was unfaithful, “(I’d) tell her,” the Desperate Housewife declares in Glamour magazine’s February Man issue, adding that she’d even resort to sneaky tactics to expose the guy.
“I would probably take a picture with my camera phone first,” she says. “It’s tough, because sometimes people kill the messenger. But I think the truth always comes out, regardless of who tells us.”

Real smooth, Eva. Now every cheater in America knows to watch out for a garden gnome with a camera phone when they’re out with their mistress. “Is that a pointy red hat?! Shit, act like you’re my sister. So, hey, remember that dad guy? He was great. Wait, it’s a traffic cone. Phew. Now I don’t have to explain why I’ve been fondling your breasts this whole time.”

An Oscar contender for his starring role in The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke reportedly sent a text message to a Hollywood insider trashing Sean Penn’s acting in Milk and called him a homophobe, according to The Daily Beast:

On December 28, a Los Angeles entertainment honcho shared a text message with me that Rourke had sent him: “Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno” [sic]
Miami friends of Rourke acknowledge he is brutally honest, even to his own detriment. “Mickey will call a spade a spade,” says a long time acquaintance. “Even if he makes you cringe sometimes with what he says, at least you’ll know he’s not bullshitting you.”

While my brain attempts to fold in on itself trying to differentiate between “pretend acting” and “non-pretend acting,” at least we know for certain that Mickey Rourke isn’t homophobic. Clearly, here’s a man who’s not afraid to give his career the most vigorous corn-holing of its life. Well played, sir.